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Two for the Price of One
Join us for 3rd Thurs With CHUM on June 18st at the usual time of 7:30 pm CT at Jake's Sports Bar or Zoom. We will be joined by Jenny Stock from NOAA's Greater Farallones and Cordell Bank National Marine Sanctuaries! More details at this link. -
2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on June 14th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link. -
CHUM stickers are here! Put one on your scuba tank, your gear box, your car, your forehead. See a club officer to get yours.
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Become a full fledged CHUM member by paying only $35/year to become a Tiger Shark, pay for trips or even pick up an extra CHUM T-shirt or CHUM patch here: CHUM Payments.
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For CHUM's list of greater Houston area dive shops, dive sites, and dive charter operators see this link.
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CHUM - Houston's SCUBA Club is the sponsor of the Texas SCUBA Diver license plate. Get yours at MyPlates.com!
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Stream2Sea! Great products that are good for humans and the reef. Use the affiliate link below or check out with coupon code “chumrocks” and get 10% off your purchase. Click this CHUM affiliate link to order your products.
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Follow CHUM on these platforms to keep up with what the club has going on Facebook, Instagram, Scubaboard, and YouTube.
And for Texas Dive Plates: TDP Facebook and TDP Instagram.
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Questions, suggestions, want to lead a CHUM trip or learn about the CHUM officers? Contact us: Your CHUM Board of Directors.
Hump Day Humor
- Thread starter Captain HardHead
- Start date
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A guy walks into his usual bar and orders a beer. "I've got to try to get in to see a doctor soon," he confides to the bartender. "It really hurts when I pee." "Does it burn?" the bartender asks. "I don't know," the guy replies. "I never tried to set it on fire."
Siren
Tiger Shark
- First Name
- Amanda
I just told this joke to 24%, and before I finished, his answer was:
"Well, whatever it is, it's in the dark." HAHAHAHAHA.....
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A couple, both age 77, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the man replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90.
The Hilton charges $108.
We do it here for $50... and I get $43 back from Medicare."
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the man replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90.
The Hilton charges $108.
We do it here for $50... and I get $43 back from Medicare."
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
The rabbi of a small village dies, and after some time the congregation decides that the widow should remarry. Given the size of the village, there is only one possible candidate: "the butcher". Although not very excited because she was used to living with an intellectual, the widow accepts.
The wedding is celebrated, and on Friday evening, after the ritual bath, the newlywed says to the ex-widow:
- My mother always told me that at the beginning of Shabbat, we have to make love before going to the synagogue.
And they do.
Returning from the service, the husband says:
- According to my father, we have to make love before dinner.
And they do it again.
As as he lays down to sleep, he says:
- My grandfather said that we have to make love on Shabbat night.
And they do it again.
They end up falling asleep and the next morning, upon waking up, the husband says:
- My aunt says that a devout Jew always starts Shabbat by making love.
And they do it again.
During the morning, the ex-widow goes to the synagogue and meets a friend who asks her:
- How are you with your new husband?
- Well listen... he's not really an intellectual... but he comes from an excellent family!!
The wedding is celebrated, and on Friday evening, after the ritual bath, the newlywed says to the ex-widow:
- My mother always told me that at the beginning of Shabbat, we have to make love before going to the synagogue.
And they do.
Returning from the service, the husband says:
- According to my father, we have to make love before dinner.
And they do it again.
As as he lays down to sleep, he says:
- My grandfather said that we have to make love on Shabbat night.
And they do it again.
They end up falling asleep and the next morning, upon waking up, the husband says:
- My aunt says that a devout Jew always starts Shabbat by making love.
And they do it again.
During the morning, the ex-widow goes to the synagogue and meets a friend who asks her:
- How are you with your new husband?
- Well listen... he's not really an intellectual... but he comes from an excellent family!!
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
Not a joke but an absolute waste of time. Wonder if they have fish or sharks....
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
My boyfriend just dumped me.
He said in a teary tirade:
“I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Mary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”
He was about to close the door when I yelled “No, no….waaait”
He turned back, tears in his eyes, a glimmer of hope still remained.
That was when I uttered those three magic words.
“Mary and I”
He said in a teary tirade:
“I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Mary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”
He was about to close the door when I yelled “No, no….waaait”
He turned back, tears in his eyes, a glimmer of hope still remained.
That was when I uttered those three magic words.
“Mary and I”
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A dog and cat are having an argument about which is the favorite of humans.
The dog says "Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows they like us more."
The cat smiles and says, "You are really not going to win this one you know."
The dog says "Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows they like us more."
The cat smiles and says, "You are really not going to win this one you know."