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Two for the Price of One
Join us for 3rd Thurs With CHUM on June 18st at the usual time of 7:30 pm CT at Jake's Sports Bar or Zoom. We will be joined by Jenny Stock from NOAA's Greater Farallones and Cordell Bank National Marine Sanctuaries! More details at this link. -
2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on June 14th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link. -
CHUM stickers are here! Put one on your scuba tank, your gear box, your car, your forehead. See a club officer to get yours.
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Become a full fledged CHUM member by paying only $35/year to become a Tiger Shark, pay for trips or even pick up an extra CHUM T-shirt or CHUM patch here: CHUM Payments.
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For CHUM's list of greater Houston area dive shops, dive sites, and dive charter operators see this link.
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CHUM - Houston's SCUBA Club is the sponsor of the Texas SCUBA Diver license plate. Get yours at MyPlates.com!
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Stream2Sea! Great products that are good for humans and the reef. Use the affiliate link below or check out with coupon code “chumrocks” and get 10% off your purchase. Click this CHUM affiliate link to order your products.
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Follow CHUM on these platforms to keep up with what the club has going on Facebook, Instagram, Scubaboard, and YouTube.
And for Texas Dive Plates: TDP Facebook and TDP Instagram.
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Questions, suggestions, want to lead a CHUM trip or learn about the CHUM officers? Contact us: Your CHUM Board of Directors.
Hump Day Humor
- Thread starter Captain HardHead
- Start date
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
Two aliens land on Earth in the middle of nowhere near a gas station and one of them gets out to make first contact.
He goes to the gas pump and says "Hello, we're from outer space, and we'd like to establish relations, how can I find your leader?"
Obviously, the pump doesn't respond so the alien is rather annoyed by such rudeness but he tries again.
"Yeah so we're just trying to get in touch with your leader, can we get an address or something?"
Again the pump says nothing so now the alien is getting really angry, he goes to the ship boiling and says "that guy is intentionally snubbing me, I hate that stuff! I swear if he does it one more time I'm gonna shoot him!" "Ok," says the other alien, "but just gimme a second to move the ship away first."
So the first alien goes to the pump, takes a deep breath, and goes "hey, we need to meet your leader, can you give us some help, it's not too much to ask is it?" The pump says nothing so the alien goes crazy, shoots it with a blaster, and is thrown away unconscious by the explosion.
He comes to later in the ship infirmary and his first words to the other alien were "how did you know?"
"Well I didn't know exactly what was gonna happen but there's always a risk when you shoot a guy with a d**k so big he wears it looped twice around his waist and stuck into his ear."
He goes to the gas pump and says "Hello, we're from outer space, and we'd like to establish relations, how can I find your leader?"
Obviously, the pump doesn't respond so the alien is rather annoyed by such rudeness but he tries again.
"Yeah so we're just trying to get in touch with your leader, can we get an address or something?"
Again the pump says nothing so now the alien is getting really angry, he goes to the ship boiling and says "that guy is intentionally snubbing me, I hate that stuff! I swear if he does it one more time I'm gonna shoot him!" "Ok," says the other alien, "but just gimme a second to move the ship away first."
So the first alien goes to the pump, takes a deep breath, and goes "hey, we need to meet your leader, can you give us some help, it's not too much to ask is it?" The pump says nothing so the alien goes crazy, shoots it with a blaster, and is thrown away unconscious by the explosion.
He comes to later in the ship infirmary and his first words to the other alien were "how did you know?"
"Well I didn't know exactly what was gonna happen but there's always a risk when you shoot a guy with a d**k so big he wears it looped twice around his waist and stuck into his ear."
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A man was getting a haircut prior to taking a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would you want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty — and full of Italians! You’re crazy to go to Rome!"
“So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!" “United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. “So, where are you staying in Rome?” “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.” “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced! “What are you going to do when you get there?" ”We’re going to go to see the Vatican, and we hope to see the Pope." “That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Oh boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours — you’re going to need it!”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get that shitty haircut?”
“So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!" “United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. “So, where are you staying in Rome?” “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.” “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced! “What are you going to do when you get there?" ”We’re going to go to see the Vatican, and we hope to see the Pope." “That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Oh boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours — you’re going to need it!”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get that shitty haircut?”
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.
He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calls emergency services and says
"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"
"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"
"I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calls emergency services and says
"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"
"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"
"I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
Siren
Tiger Shark
- First Name
- Amanda
Well, I dare say Humphrey, that's the first I've heard about that!
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down!,” the tree complains, “I’m a talking tree!”
The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
The tree says, "wait, before you chop me down, let's bargain!"
"What could a tree possibly offer as a bargain?"
"Well, I never told anyone this... But I have a treasure hiding in my mouth. It was put there long ago by a man who didn't know I was a talking tree. Come, stick your hand in my mouth and you may have the treasure if you'll spare me!"
The man went to the tree and stuck his hand inside, and the tree bit down on his arm!
"Help! Help! This talking tree is trying to bite my arm off! This talking tree.... Hey, actually, that doesn't hurt much at all. Sorry tree, you failed. Now let me go!"
Then the tree gave a violent shake, and all of its loose bark high up on its branches came tumbling down, hitting the man and killing him.
It just goes to show that, for this talking tree, his bark was worse than his bite.
The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
The tree says, "wait, before you chop me down, let's bargain!"
"What could a tree possibly offer as a bargain?"
"Well, I never told anyone this... But I have a treasure hiding in my mouth. It was put there long ago by a man who didn't know I was a talking tree. Come, stick your hand in my mouth and you may have the treasure if you'll spare me!"
The man went to the tree and stuck his hand inside, and the tree bit down on his arm!
"Help! Help! This talking tree is trying to bite my arm off! This talking tree.... Hey, actually, that doesn't hurt much at all. Sorry tree, you failed. Now let me go!"
Then the tree gave a violent shake, and all of its loose bark high up on its branches came tumbling down, hitting the man and killing him.
It just goes to show that, for this talking tree, his bark was worse than his bite.
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A moth goes into a podiatrist's office.
The podiatrist says to the moth "what's the problem?"
"Where do I begin? I go to work for Kareem Benbouda and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I don't think even Kareem Benbouda knows. He only knows he has power over me and that seems to bring him happiness. I wake up and in a malaise and I walk here and there. At night I sometimes wake up and find myself next to some old lady I used to love. I don't know who to turn to, my youngest Fareeda fell in the cold of last year, it took her like it did many others. And my boy Hussein Saleem... I no longer love him as much as it pains me to say, all I see in his eyes is the same cowardice I see in my own face in the mirror. If only the cowardice was stronger then perhaps I could reach to that loaded gun that lays on my bedside. Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider even though I am a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an ever lasting fire beneath me! I'm not feeling good"
"Moth, man you are troubled, but you should be seeing a psychiatrist, why in the hell did you come here?"
"Because the light was on"
The podiatrist says to the moth "what's the problem?"
"Where do I begin? I go to work for Kareem Benbouda and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I don't think even Kareem Benbouda knows. He only knows he has power over me and that seems to bring him happiness. I wake up and in a malaise and I walk here and there. At night I sometimes wake up and find myself next to some old lady I used to love. I don't know who to turn to, my youngest Fareeda fell in the cold of last year, it took her like it did many others. And my boy Hussein Saleem... I no longer love him as much as it pains me to say, all I see in his eyes is the same cowardice I see in my own face in the mirror. If only the cowardice was stronger then perhaps I could reach to that loaded gun that lays on my bedside. Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider even though I am a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an ever lasting fire beneath me! I'm not feeling good"
"Moth, man you are troubled, but you should be seeing a psychiatrist, why in the hell did you come here?"
"Because the light was on"